Why can't I do this?

I've been sitting in front of this one blog for over a week now. I keep starting and then deleting. I can't get it right. I have so many ideas and feelings that I want to express, to put out there...but I can't. I can't find the right words to explain my thoughts...I can't hold onto a thought long enough to know how I feel about it. And the entire time I'm thinking, "Get a grip. People deal with this everyday!". But, I've never had this feeling before.

I've never been stretched so thin - and tangled into so many knots - all at once. I've never felt this out of control. If one would look at me within the last week - they would not have any idea of all of this. I've got my pocker face on. My aunt told me the other night - that I have amazed her. That I've been stronger than she ever thought I would be. And I have. To everyone else. On the outside right now - I'm calm, collected, and serving a purpose. I do what I need to do - what anyone else needs me to do. And I don't complain or cry - I just do it. And I've held their hand or head when they break down. The only outward appearance that betrays the face I'm showing to the world - is my eyes. I am so tired inside - and it's starting to show through.

I've reached the point of tired inside - where I physically hurt. And I know it's not only from a lack of sleep. I'm trying so hard - and part of me feels like keeping up my outward face is going to do me in. Because I'm the complete opposite on the inside. All day long I constantly worry. I get nervous when a phone call comes in for me. My cell phone ring stops by heart. I sit at work wishing I could not be here. Trying to hide everything for 8 hours a day - around one of the only people in the world who makes you crack - just by giving you a look. It's exhausting. And then I go home. Not to my home - but straight to my Mother's. I spend my evening doing anything I can to help out. Dinner. Cleaning. Phone Calls. Hugs. Or sitting and getting to talk to my Grandma is short bursts - between her falling asleep in mid-sentance. And then there's the "talks". Everyone crowded in the kitchen - trying to decide what would be best, what we'll do when..., what will happen with...? It's emotionally draining. Not that I would say that - or even show it.

Then, I get to go to my home. I usually try to go to sleep - but I can't seem to stay asleep for more than an hour or hour and a half. My mind is racing with all the realities I've been facing for a week. With all the new issues brought up by the day. By the horrifying fear of what another day might bring. And not the fear of her leaving me, I know that has to happen. But, the fear or her hanging on like this - of it getting worse. I don't know how much worse I can handle. I need to be one of the strong ones. Because some of the ones who are usually strong - they are falling.

I guess I finally put it into some sort of words. I had hoped it would help the tornado inside me - but alas, I'm not sure that it has. At least this way part of it is out. Maybe if I just let a little out at a time - I won't feel the need to explode. Which is what is coming. And that's okay - I'll explode in my own priviate place. And then I'll put my face back on and head back out. Because not everyone can fall apart at once. And right now - it's not my turn.

What can make a day great?

When you think about what people say were the greatest days of their lives, they are usually days where something big happened. A day where their lives were changed, or their perspectives were changed. When I ask the people in my life what they considered a great day, I get the standard answers. Wedding day, day of a child's birth, the day a dream job was achieved, the day that perfect person was met, and others. But - why do great days always have to be big days? As I looked back, some of my most perfect days were ones where nothing important happened - but I felt better about life because of that day.

Some of my great days are days I have spent at home, alone - just being in my own place. Getting to do what I wanted, whether it be reading, watching a favorite movie, or just getting the chance to think my own thoughts. These days seem very rare - because I have usually scheduled myself to be out and about to the point where I sometimes only come home to sleep! But - every so often I'll have a day where I can sit in my PJ's all day if I want - and sometimes that can make a day great in my book!

Others were days where I have had impulsive get together's with friends. Getting together to have a BBQ or watch a football game. On those days, we are always glad to be with each other - because we had the impulsive need for one another. Sometimes we decide to go out for an evening - sing some kareoke - blow off some steam. And other times - we decide to get the kids together and swim for the afternoon - something about watching a child play can be soothing. One such day - included an impromptu trip to the Omaha Zoo - we loaded up all the kids, some food, and took a caravan trip up there and had the most amazing day!

And sometimes, my family can surprise me. We are a family who has always been big on family dinners. And they are usually okay - but just normal family time. But - once in a while, we will have one of those great dinners. The type where everyone gets along. Sometimes it will be because we are playing with the kids in the yard - sometimes it's because the older generations start to reminiscing - and sometimes it's because my generation gets to acting like we did when we were younger, before life came in between us. Sometimes it just all comes together - like the day of my 6 year old cousin's birthday. We had a big dinner - opened presents - and then set off fireworks for hours. All of us sat on the porch - joking around, chasing kids, trying not to start fires! It was perfect.

I love times like that. And they don't have to center around a big change in life - or a big event. Sometimes they just happen. And days like that are what makes me want to keep going. Keep trying. Keep living. Because I hope to have those great big days too - I hope to meet that person, get that perfect job, have a wedding day, give birth to a child. But - until then - I am so thankful to have those great little days in between. Days like those are what makes me remember to be thankful for what I have in life - not just long for what I want. To all those in my life who have given me one of these times to look back on - I thank you with all I have!