Why can't I do this?

I've been sitting in front of this one blog for over a week now. I keep starting and then deleting. I can't get it right. I have so many ideas and feelings that I want to express, to put out there...but I can't. I can't find the right words to explain my thoughts...I can't hold onto a thought long enough to know how I feel about it. And the entire time I'm thinking, "Get a grip. People deal with this everyday!". But, I've never had this feeling before.

I've never been stretched so thin - and tangled into so many knots - all at once. I've never felt this out of control. If one would look at me within the last week - they would not have any idea of all of this. I've got my pocker face on. My aunt told me the other night - that I have amazed her. That I've been stronger than she ever thought I would be. And I have. To everyone else. On the outside right now - I'm calm, collected, and serving a purpose. I do what I need to do - what anyone else needs me to do. And I don't complain or cry - I just do it. And I've held their hand or head when they break down. The only outward appearance that betrays the face I'm showing to the world - is my eyes. I am so tired inside - and it's starting to show through.

I've reached the point of tired inside - where I physically hurt. And I know it's not only from a lack of sleep. I'm trying so hard - and part of me feels like keeping up my outward face is going to do me in. Because I'm the complete opposite on the inside. All day long I constantly worry. I get nervous when a phone call comes in for me. My cell phone ring stops by heart. I sit at work wishing I could not be here. Trying to hide everything for 8 hours a day - around one of the only people in the world who makes you crack - just by giving you a look. It's exhausting. And then I go home. Not to my home - but straight to my Mother's. I spend my evening doing anything I can to help out. Dinner. Cleaning. Phone Calls. Hugs. Or sitting and getting to talk to my Grandma is short bursts - between her falling asleep in mid-sentance. And then there's the "talks". Everyone crowded in the kitchen - trying to decide what would be best, what we'll do when..., what will happen with...? It's emotionally draining. Not that I would say that - or even show it.

Then, I get to go to my home. I usually try to go to sleep - but I can't seem to stay asleep for more than an hour or hour and a half. My mind is racing with all the realities I've been facing for a week. With all the new issues brought up by the day. By the horrifying fear of what another day might bring. And not the fear of her leaving me, I know that has to happen. But, the fear or her hanging on like this - of it getting worse. I don't know how much worse I can handle. I need to be one of the strong ones. Because some of the ones who are usually strong - they are falling.

I guess I finally put it into some sort of words. I had hoped it would help the tornado inside me - but alas, I'm not sure that it has. At least this way part of it is out. Maybe if I just let a little out at a time - I won't feel the need to explode. Which is what is coming. And that's okay - I'll explode in my own priviate place. And then I'll put my face back on and head back out. Because not everyone can fall apart at once. And right now - it's not my turn.