Does everyone see what I see?

Everyone has insecurities. Anyone who says that they don't - well - they are lying. There is something that every person on earth doesn't like about themselves or their life. The problem is when these insecurities overwhelm a person. When the mental list of things you don't like overtakes the list of things you like. Or sometimes it's just one thing. But that one insecurity - which was so small at first - has snowballed into something that leaks out of every pore in your body.

I've had a lot of insecurities throughout my life. Most of them justified. There are things that I don't like about myself. I don't stand up for myself - that's a big one. I let people walk all over me - and can't seem to find a voice to tell them to stop. But - I've come to terms with that - and have found some small ways to get around it. Still wish I could change it - but I can't. So I live with it.

Because that's what you learn to do - live with your insecurities. But - what about when you can't. What happens when the one thing that you don't like (more than any other) - is pointed out and shown to the world - time and time again. It festers. It changes. And it becomes something else. It's no longer just a part of you - it becomes who you are. At least in your mind it does. You can't take a breath without thinking about it - without wondering if everyone else sees it everytime they look at you. Because it's all you can see.

I've never been one of those people who thought I was particularly attractive. I mean - I never thought I was butt-ugly or anything. But - I also wasn't beautiful. But - I made it work. And it worked really well. But - somehow it's changed. That small part of me - that thought I wasn't as pretty or skinny as the other girls - well - it's been getting bigger over time. And suddenly it has come out full force. I can't even see why anyone would be interested in me. Ever. Which is posing a problem as of late - because I think that someone might be interested. We've only known each other a week or so - so it's too early to tell most things. But - he calls a lot - and we've seen each other a lot. So - why am I telling myself that he doesn't like me? Why am I about to make myself walk away - before the chance of anything happening?

What I don't understand is why I feel this way. When did I suddenly start believing all those things that I was afraid were true about myself? Is it life experience that does it? Does being dissapointed over and over again - just wear someone down so much - that believing in a happy ending is impossible? Or is it having someone inadvertantly point things out - things that you don't even dare say to yourself - which suddenly seems to make them true? Whatever the reason - how do you change it?

Because I don't want to believe these things. These few small insecurities that I've had - that have somehow grouped together into this huge wound that I can't seem to fix. I want to believe that I will be happy - that someone is out there. To believe that I am beautiful to someone. To believe that I am not so easy to throw away and forget. But - how?