Tired. The word can mean so many different things. And yet...most people use it without explaining themselves. And when you tell people you're tired...it's a great vague statement. It can explain almost anything...without having to tell anyone particulars. This is probably why I use it so much. But, when I tell people I'm tired...I mean it on many levels. And sometimes those levels are more complex than I want to think about.
Of course, that can probably mean I am not getting enough sleep at night. Which who does? I'm a night owl...so midnight is relatively early for me. Which sucks at 6:30 the following morning! You'd think I'd learn...but I haven't so far.
Or, maybe it could mean that I'm tired of my job. Since the place I tend to use this excuse the most...is at work. And that's true. My job is nothing special, and I'm reminded everyday that I am not special for doing it. So, yes....I guess this version of tired is true for me also!
But, another meaning could be that I am tired of certain family arguments. Or of feeling out of touch with my friends. Or of trying to figure out what a guy wants from me. Or of trying to make myself enjoy my own company. Or of trying to squeeze more money out of money that wasn't there to begin with. Or of feeling like a failure every time I reach for a cigarette. Or of worrying that I'm not someone who deserves to do mission work and represent God. The list could go on and on.
I guess overall....I'm tired. There isn't even one explanation for what I'm tired of....it's everything.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
How do I put it in words?
Friends. Everyone has them. Lucky people have some close ones. And some people have a few friends who have blurred the line between friendship and family. These are the people who have a bond with you that has surpassed what a normal friendship is, but has gone to the level of loving them as you do your family. You can think of nothing they could do that would make you not love them. They will make you angry - but you would never walk away. They will challenge you - and you will always rise (or stoop) to their level. They will hold you up when you fall apart - just so you can do the same for them - no matter the reason. This is truly a gift in life - to have friendships in which the unconditional love will always be there.
I've been extremely lucky in my life. I have friends like this. Not a lot of them - but enough to get me through. I've had them for so long - that I can't think of a memory that doesn't have at least one of them in it. Some have been there since I started elementary school. Tangled in almost every childhood memory I have. And even through many years and miles - to still be able to give me the strength and love I need. Some have made it through the horrible teenage years with me. Sharing every single experience in our lives with each other - sometimes with a brutal honesty. And still - knowing all of my mistakes and shortcomings - being able to see the good in me and show me when I forget. Some have come along later - through the many years since school. Forcing me to remember to grow up - dragging me along most of the way. Yet - watching me fall time and time again - they are always there to pick me back up (or kick the ass of whoever knocked me down). And still others have fought their way in. They've been pillars for me to lean on - when I didn't know I needed them. And no matter how hard I've tried to fight them - they've been there to fight for me - when I wasn't sure I deserved it.
These friends - who in number only come to about 5 - are my family. Even with the already large and oddly close family I have - these people have become my extended family. They are the ones I run to with problems - the ones who listen to me - the people on earth that I would risk my life for. I can't imagine my life without them. Because there is no other people on earth who would let me in their lives this much. We've been through graduations, weddings & marriages, pregnancies, children, and I can't wait for whatever will be next. These people have let me in their lives and given me a place to belong in their hearts. It's more than I could have ever asked for. They've let me play a part in the biggest experiences of their lives. I've been in the weddings. I've watched the pregancies. I've held the babies the day they were born. I've listened and given any advice I could. And they've let me do those things.
Because of them my life is full. I love them like brothers and sisters. Love their children (present & future) like my own. I only hope that they know this. That they understand what they bring into my life. Because without them - I wouldn't be me. They keep me young - force me to be an adult - and prove me wrong about myself everyday. They've shown me that people will choose to love me - because they did. And they didn't have to. I just pray that I have been half the friend to them. I just had to send this out into the world. So that maybe somehow it would reach some of them. And they would know exactly how much they mean to me.
I've been extremely lucky in my life. I have friends like this. Not a lot of them - but enough to get me through. I've had them for so long - that I can't think of a memory that doesn't have at least one of them in it. Some have been there since I started elementary school. Tangled in almost every childhood memory I have. And even through many years and miles - to still be able to give me the strength and love I need. Some have made it through the horrible teenage years with me. Sharing every single experience in our lives with each other - sometimes with a brutal honesty. And still - knowing all of my mistakes and shortcomings - being able to see the good in me and show me when I forget. Some have come along later - through the many years since school. Forcing me to remember to grow up - dragging me along most of the way. Yet - watching me fall time and time again - they are always there to pick me back up (or kick the ass of whoever knocked me down). And still others have fought their way in. They've been pillars for me to lean on - when I didn't know I needed them. And no matter how hard I've tried to fight them - they've been there to fight for me - when I wasn't sure I deserved it.
These friends - who in number only come to about 5 - are my family. Even with the already large and oddly close family I have - these people have become my extended family. They are the ones I run to with problems - the ones who listen to me - the people on earth that I would risk my life for. I can't imagine my life without them. Because there is no other people on earth who would let me in their lives this much. We've been through graduations, weddings & marriages, pregnancies, children, and I can't wait for whatever will be next. These people have let me in their lives and given me a place to belong in their hearts. It's more than I could have ever asked for. They've let me play a part in the biggest experiences of their lives. I've been in the weddings. I've watched the pregancies. I've held the babies the day they were born. I've listened and given any advice I could. And they've let me do those things.
Because of them my life is full. I love them like brothers and sisters. Love their children (present & future) like my own. I only hope that they know this. That they understand what they bring into my life. Because without them - I wouldn't be me. They keep me young - force me to be an adult - and prove me wrong about myself everyday. They've shown me that people will choose to love me - because they did. And they didn't have to. I just pray that I have been half the friend to them. I just had to send this out into the world. So that maybe somehow it would reach some of them. And they would know exactly how much they mean to me.
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